Happy Halloween!

Lily's loot! half of this is from trick or treating at Jason's work. She got a TON of candy! She loved all the attention and getting candy from Jason's co-workers. The other half is from Jason's aunt and uncle from their Halloween party, Lily chowed down on doughnuts from Banbury Cross (yum!) and apple juice and received lots of candy from uncle Bruce. I don't know what we are going to do with all of it!
Lily's pumpkin that her and daddy carved. Lily had lots of fun "helping" daddy scoop out all the guts, mostly she just stabbed her spoon in and out. She wasn't too sure of it once we turned out the lights and lit the candle inside.

Lily's other favorite auntie!!!
Lily and her OZ glasses just like in the musical when they go the emerald city!!
My little Galinda! I had half the petals sewn on her skirt and decided it needed the silver trim around the edges, so I unpicked them all and put the trim on and sewed them all back on. Since not many people knew who she was right off the bat, I quit correcting them when they called her a princess. She was supposed to be Galinda from the musical Wicked and I was going to make a matching one for me, but ran out of time.
The top of her costume, that's the left over lace I had from my bridal designs I did for my fashion show in 2007. The petals took 3 yard of fabric and the skirt has 4 layers all together. I had to put suspenders on the skirt because it kept falling off since I made it big and it was so heavy.
I love this picture! This is the same face she had when I showed her self in the mirror after I put it on her the first time.
Auntie Jeana! One of my favorite people! Lily gets so excited to see her!
Family shot. Lily looks bored, she is a typical almost 2 yr. old always moving and never looking at the camera! I still had pink in my hair at church today even after 3 washes! Oh and those are feather bits at the end of my false lashes if you cant tell!
Now I've just got to think about what we are going to do next year for costumes!!

Whew!

So Lily is still soaring in Early Intervention, its been so great!
Last month my specialist brought up concerns for how lily walks, she kinda turns in on her ankles and snaps her knees back when she puts her foot down. She suggested I take her to Shriner's hospital to see if she need ankle braces to correct how she walks due to her low-tone.

We went today and everything is was great, they are so awesome there. Lily got to take home a beanie baby although she had more fun tossing out the ones in the bin than the one she picked out (a fox) They didn't feel like the overcompensation to keep her balance to walk that she does would be a big enough concern to have braces made. Whew.....a relief. I am ready and willing to do anything that I need to to make sure she gets a good start, but I am glad we don't have to go down that road.

Been busy sewing and can't wait to post Halloween. Lily's costume is turning out very well. Lots of work, but its gonna be worth it! Also planning on entering a design contest from Shabby Apple so I will need help voting for my design if I make the finals!!

Lily

So I thought I'd update on Lily's Early Intervention, since I am past what time I told my self I'd go to bed...good thing its still the weekend!

Lily started Early Intervention this month and I have to say with only one session I can already see improvements!! I think a lot of her delay in language had to do with that she needed to get walking out of the way and that is normal apparently, they focus on nothing else until they figure it out and now that she has I have notice her say "mama mama mama" when she wants something.

Our teacher had us work on simple directions and jaw exercises...how do you exercise a 20 month's jaw you ask? Easy! Lots of chewy foods, day old bagels, red vines left out for a few hours, beef jerky (she didn't like it) Its supposed to help her be more aware of her mouth and help her not to drool so much (yes she still does, because she hasn't figured out to swallow it.) We play the vowel game saying A,E,I,O,U over and over to help get the mouth shapes.
She had me make a box with a slit in the top to have her put things in and out to understand simple directions.
we've also been working on signing and songs with hand actions and she is picking up on them really fast. She can sign mama and milk. She learned the whole hand actions for "open, shut them" for family prayers. (I'll have to take and post a video, its so cute!) I checked out a signing time video from the library, she tried to copy all the signs when they did the review song and learned cheese it was very cute!
I really like the lady who is her teacher, she grew up in Britain and approches teaching in a different way and she really knows her stuff and makes sure I understand all that is happening to ensure I can practice with Lily. I'm really happy with the whole program, and so happy to see results so soon even if its because she got walking out of the way.

My Internal battle

I've learned some things about my self lately.
I am completely terrified of success.
No really, I am.
I know what I want, I know what I need to do to get there.
But I don't do it.
I sit there and dream about it and see it happening, but I am not taking those steps needed.
Then I see people and peers and other's around me take off with their dreams bursting at the seams in fantastic ways as they come into reality.
And I spiral out of my happy place and mope.
I have really good ideas too!

Here is the quote I read that got me all worked up on this.

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us; We ask our selves, who am I to be? Brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually who are you not to be?
You are a child of god, your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you, we are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us, its not just in some of us its in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
~Marianne Williamson

Perfectly put for me to realize my issue.
But what the H-E-double hockey sticks do I need to do to make that crossing, what thing has taken away my bridge to reach that personally???

Its soul searching time.

Anybody got some good thoughts on repairing that bridge? I need to cross it, its really driving me crazy.

Lily Update!

Lily has turned 18 months this last month so I'd thought I would do an update on her since there is a lot to tell!
We have mastered walking finally! She decided it was time when I was at the bank, I was watching her stand next to me and next thing I knew she was taking off after another kid! Its so funny! She walks with her hands stretched out and a big grin on her face or she has her Frankenstein walk, where she shuffles her feet, walks with her shoulders folded in and hums and talks as she walks.
But she does have a normal walk and she loves to walk around the house with toys and try to follow the dog and myself.
She loves to walk with mom and dad a few sunday's ago we took a drive up to Silver Lake at the Brighton resort and she walked a good amount of the trail around the lake between us. She also loved the big moose we saw!!
She loves any animals and gets really excited at dogs and horses and birds..any animal really.

I guess the one thing why I am doing this update is because Lily has been diagnosed with Expressive and Receptive Language disorder. Which doesn't mean much, I had her diagnosed to try and get the insurance to pay for the testing, they didn't cover enough.
So I went through Early Intervention. A state school program to test speech and hearing, her hearing is fine but she did score low in language and problem solving.
E&R language disorder can be caused by genetics, exposure to toxins (which I never was during my pregnancy) But mostly its cause is unknown.
Here is the way I see it. Yes you can avoid a lot of causes of disabilities and disorders, but I believe that a lot of the things we deal with in life we were predestined with. Meaning I don't believe I couldn't of brought her into this world in any other way that would of prevented her from having it. It is her challange and I've had mine to deal with as well. I had and still have my learning disability, which by the way I hate calling it that, its such a crutch. I want Lily to grow up knowing she can. She is able NOT dis-able. I used my learning issues as an excuse way too much and now I see how I could of progressed more knowing its okay to have problems with learning. I am speaking more from my experiance with being in resource my school years. I was afraid of being made fun of, grant it kids will be kids and be mean. But things have changed since I went to school and I know there are a lot of alternative programs out there to boost her skills. And hey! the research I have been doing on the net says the difficulty with language can disappear by school age! Hurray!
She walked at 18 months because she was very floppy and noodle-y as a baby. Babies who are like that ( I forget the term they use) don't like the pressure on their joints; so they put off walking until they gain more muscle mass so its more comfortable for them.
But back to E&RLD some times called mixed E&RLD. It means that Lily is having a hard time understanding spoken language and producing speech. We qualified for Early Intervention and we will be having some one come to our house to show me how to play and do activities with Lily to boost her development.
I'm not afraid of having a child with learning issues (I need to come up with a better term) I dealt with them rather well and felt that I didn't turn out for the worst! (partly due to a mom who was dedicated to make sure I got the help I needed) I am ready and willing and it helps to know somewhat of what she will be facing. But part of me does still say "what did I do wrong?" "Where did I miss that info not to do this or that while pregnant?" To be fully honest I was afraid of getting a smarty pants, because then I really wouldn't know what to do!!!
I am constantly telling my self, in no way is this your fault and you know what to do and you can do it. The best thing I can do for her is to get her involved now so that we don't miss that window of languge development. I love being a Mother, especially now at this age ( Sorry guys not a fan of the baby stage) I love seeing her learn in her way and her constant smiles and laughter brings me out of any bad mood.
This journey has been totally worth it!

I wanted to end with a comment I heard today. I was at Lowe's and had a sales associate ask me how I was doing, I promtly responded the usual "good and you?" He responded "Better than I deserve" It took me a bit for it too click, I took as he was really happy with life and I wanted the same out look...so today things are better than I deserve!

Lessons

I not sure why I even want to post this on here. I'm still struggling with why I even want people to know. But writing in my journal doesn't seem to help. Don't worry its nothing super dramatic.
See I have this dream and I've had it for as long as I can remember, and I thought I saw it starting to come true. I'm hoping by sharing that it will help me get over it, because I know failure is part of success. But experiencing it sucks.

There are two things in my life that I am seriously passionate about and want above all.
1. A family, kids, and a home to create a safe haven.
and
2. Sewing and to run my own sewing business from home.

I've had #1 going for a while now and couldn't be happier with where I am living, my husband, and my baby girl.
And #2 has really taken off due to my part time position at Mary's Bridal as a alterationist. Now I don't get a ton of work, but enough to keep me busy and feeling like I still working towards my goal.

This June was a challenge and several times in this last week I was ready to swear off sewing all together (100% serious). I took on 14 dresses; 10 bridesmaids, 2 temple dresses and 2 mother's dresses. All to be completed in 6 weeks and all the weddings were with in the same week.
I felt terrific, I was seeing my dreams coming true! I was ready for anything, bring it on baby! Watch out world here I come! is how I felt, I had a intern, I was indestructible.
Except for this little habit of mine that I can seem to break. I say "yes" to everyone. And I know from other's and as well as my own experience that just means trouble.
I ended up loosing a dress and a possible good client. But The 3 other dresses turned out fine.
It's the bridesmaids that I'm most upset about. I wanted sooo bad for these to turn out. I was very excited for them, I love draping and these had a pleated/draped front, A-line skirt with a over lap over the top front. I felt that I got as close as I could to the picture and that they looked great. I will also NEVER recommend or work with Joann's party taffeta again, after working with it for the chosen design I am ready to never see the site of the beastly stuff again. How ever we are not blessed with a fabric district in Utah and did not have time to order a more suitable fabric. The draping turned out pretty darn good in my opinion, the reason why it was so upsetting for both sides is that we were just not able to squeeze in a final fitting to make sure all the last minute tweaks were worked out.
The bottom line is I need to be proud of my self for what I accomplished in what time I had. I continually have to remind my self that out of all the year+ I have been doing this semi-pro; to have only 2 costumers that weren't 100% happy with the end product is very good for someone in my situation.
I guess I wouldn't call it failure, but something in between since I wasn't able to get the last little bugs worked out.
There were a lot of things that would of made a difference to getting them 100% right; extra measurements on time, an earlier start date, not taking on 2 extra dresses, labour help that should of come through, better fabric options, a final fit, and the list could go on.
The career I have chosen is a one that can take many years to perfect and I expected right away to be doing what someone who has spent years doing.
Another thing is the time I spent sewing in costume shops was great, I really learned a lot, but its a whole other world when it comes to couture and I have had to re-teach my self a lot of things because it requires such attention to detail. Already with in the three years since I've quit working for the Ballet my workmanship has improved.
This last part is really for me, I love to sew and I realized that I am not ready to give up working towards this dream, this last month was only a relazation that I still have some ways to go, but I know I can do it. I am glad I didn't give up and that I had another dress to finish, because if it wasn't for it; I'd probably never set foot in that sewing room again. It helped me to remember why I like to sew and how much I want to get better at it. I have this huge hunger to learn all I can about sewing.
Sometimes its so hard because we are in Utah and its not exactly the fashion capitol of the world. But when I look at going to a design school, it doesn't make sense. This career is all about the hands-on experience, yeah degree would be nice, but a client will want to see what I've done and not my diploma. There are a million seminars and courses I can take around the states to improve.
Yes this is important to me, but not enough to abandon my duty as a home-maker, finding that balance is going to be hard but I am willing and wanting to do it.

Watch me succeed...

Getting this out has really made me feel better, I've had this stewing for a week and I felt if I didn't get it all out I would break down.

A Proud Mommy

Being a Mother has been the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done. I know you hear that from every Mother, but it's true!
Today I couldn't believe joy that comes from this one little person. To see her smile and watch her grow and learn, to see her get so excited to have her Daddy come home and share their time together, which is to eat string cheese together on the couch. I love to see her curiosity when it comes to exploring new things and problems, to see her love for drawing and wondering if she will be yet another creative soul in our family of artists.
Experiencing Motherhood, especially now, where her personality is full fledged, is the greatest thing I have ever experienced. I am so blessed to have this Angel in my life, who has enriched it beyond my dreams.
I capitalized the word Mother every time I used it because I feel it deserves much more than to be shorted to mom. I am disappointed how Motherhood is viewed by most of the world today. It is THE most important thing and Mother's should stand up, drop the "I'm just a mom" phrase and replace it with a powerful " I am a Mother" (Gotta read the book of the same title!)
I felt the need to post this picture as well.
Four generations of beautiful women!
Also to my Mother, a big, warm, loving THANK YOU and all my love!! Thank you for your love and support! Thank you for your concerns, time, and ever caring heart. Thank you for being a taxi, tutor, listener, awesome Ahna (spelling? translation=grandma in Eskimo) Thank you for everything! I love you!